Why I Decided to Become My Mother's Caregiver

No one likes to think about his or her parents getting old. We get used to seeing who brought us to life and raised us as a strong figure, almost superhuman, who will never grow old, fell sick or eventually need our help to the most simple tasks. But, it is nature, and eventually, our parents will need us, as we needed them as a child.

Dementia is a tough collection of symptoms, which unfortunately come as a result of damage to the brain. In elderly people, this tends to accompany Alzheimer’s disease, which was my mother’s case. It is not easy to see someone you love so deeply, succumb to an illness. Especially one that can completely transform your loved one into a stranger. It all started with small memory losses during the day, some confusion while carrying out familiar tasks, such as buying shampoo instead of soap. Then things began to evolve to severe situations, including some wandering and forgetting where she was.

The Difficult Diagnose

Some of my friends used to say their elderly parents were acting like little children. I remember laughing about it, and thinking my mom would never be like that. But turns out I was wrong, and this is something hard to predict. After some problematic episodes, I had to drive her against her will to the doctor and explain what was happening. She was in complete denial, which I could understand with all my heart. Some exams and tests proved what I already knew, my mom was diagnosed with early signs of Alzheimer.

Deciding to Become a Full-Time Caregiver

Family and friends suggested I should hire a caregiver or put her in elderly house care. I studied all the options and my current situation, including finances. I checked some elderly houses, but they were just too far from my home, so I couldn’t visit so often as I’d like. Hiring a home caregiver would also be a little beyond my financial situation, even with my mom’s retirement pension.

And, to be honest, deep down, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my mom into someone else’s responsibility. Mainly because I had the means to take care of her by myself. I had a work that allowed me to work from home, my children had enough age to handle most of their things by themselves, and my house had enough space to accommodate her needs (including a wheelchair). We also would be able to save some money with housing and caregiving, since I could handle most of it by myself.

But even though I had the means and was deeply emotionally involved, it was brutal. My mom had some tough time to get used to the new house, and we had to learn how to cope with the painful Alzheimer. My mom has always had a kind personality, by the disease sometimes would bring the worst of her. We have also made some changes in the house, such as installing alert systems, fall detection mats and having 24h emergency assistance care. I have also put both children on the charge of several things around the house, so I could have time to dedicate my time for her, my career, family and myself.

Not Everyone Can Become A Full-Time Caregiver

This is a challenging and thankless job. You might love your parents as much as you can, but sometimes it is just too much for you to handle by yourself. Contrary to belief, being your parent’s caregiver is not just about love. It is about having time, emotional stability, income and general support.

During one of my mom’s lucid moments, we have talked about her situation, the options and what would be the best. We agreed on trying to move her in with me, although she would sometimes forget about it later. But not everyone has the time and means to be a full-time caregiver, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you can’t. But if you decide to take care of your parents, as I did, don’t try to do it all alone. While taking care of someone else is easy to get too deep into the daily chores and forget about your own needs. Seek community support, engage your family and siblings, and have a support network for yourself.

I hope my personal experiences might shine some light into your thoughts, and believe me, you are not alone in this journey.

Recognizing Early Signs of Autism and Planning the Right Support

A word like autism can be a scary prospect for parents. However, with approximately 1 in 68 children having an autism diagnosis, it’s important for parents to educate themselves. If you see the early signs in your child, don’t worry, a bit of planning can go a long way.

Defining Autism

The first thing you need to know about autism is what it is. According to the American Psychological Association, autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can be recognized by social communication impairments and repetitive and restrictive patterns concerning behavior, interests, or activities. 

This definition is broad by construction. This is because autism isn’t a singular diagnosis. Rather, the diagnosis is autism spectrum disorder (ASD). In other words, autism exists on a spectrum meaning that individuals with autisms may present very differently from one another.

Autism and Other Problems

Autism can come along with other emotional and behavioral problems that aren’t always at a diagnosable level but are a challenge to an autistic individual all the same. For instance, the same study on autism by the APA noted the following using parent report questionnaires;

●     59% of 5-year-olds that place on the spectrum show signs of hyperactivity

●     70% of individuals with ASD aged 5 to 17 struggle with emotional problems

●     70% of individuals with ASD aged 5 to 17 meet criteria for one psychiatric disorder

●     40% of individuals with ASD aged 5 to 17 meet criteria for more than one psychiatric disorder

Individuals with autism are also typically sensitive to sensory input and, as such, sensory overload anxiety is prevalent. While loud noises and bright lights might bother any individual, they will oftentimes affect individuals with ASD with a higher severity. Even smaller sensory inputs such as an itchy tag on a sweater can give someone with ASD severe discomfort and anxiety.

What Are Some of the Signs of Autism?

It’s important for parents to keep an eye out for signs of autism in their children. These include signs of social, cognitive, and communication impairments as well as repetitive behavior patterns. Autism Speaks notes the following as signs of autism;

At 6 months:

●     Not many warm and engaging expressions (i.e. big smiles)

●     Little to no eye contact.

At 9 months:

●     No back-and-forth sounds or responsive expressions

At 12 months:

●     Little to no babbling

●     Little to no engaging gestures (i.e. waving, pointing, reaching, etc.)

●     Little to no response when their name is said or called

At 16 months:

●     A lack of one-word phrases used

At 24 months:

●     A lack of original two-word phrases (repetition may be present)

There are also a number of signs that might present at any age, such as;

●     Lack of eye contact

●     Consistent choice of solitude rather than interaction with peers or others

●     Trouble understanding others’ emotions

●     Delayed development of language or social skills

●     Echolalia (repetition of phrases or words)

●     Struggle with even minor changes in routines, daily patterns, or surroundings

●     A restriction of interests

●     Stims (repetitive behaviors such as rocking, spinning, flapping arms, etc.)

●     Strong or unusual reactions to sensory input

●     Any regression of social or language skills

What Should a Parent Do If They Notice These Signs?

If a parent sees these signs showing up in their young child, they shouldn’t try to make a diagnosis themselves. Instead, they should discuss their concerns with their child’s pediatrician just like any other health issue.

While signs might appear as early as 6 months, most doctors won’t make a diagnosis until the child is at least 18 months to 2 years old.

What Causes Autism?

Right now, there isn’t a factor that can be isolated and pointed out as the cause of ASD. There are signs of a genetic link in autism. It isn’t unheard of or even uncommon for there to be multiple cases of ASD to exist in one family. In fact, if one sibling has ASD, it’s likely that the other one might place on the spectrum as well.

There is a persistent fear in many parents that the vaccinations that children need when they are young might lead to the development of autism. However, this fear is unfounded and even been proved wrong by many scientists.

How Do Parents Plan Going Forward?

After a child is diagnosed, it’s important to come up with a plan to help them have a fulfilling life. In day-to-day life, parents can do things such as communicating with teachers and other guardians as well as developing a routine for their child. There is plenty of research to be found that can help create a guideline and you can tailor these guidelines to your child in particular.

It’s also important to note that the day-to-day plan for your child will probably change over time. Just like any child, they will grow and change over the years and the plan will have to develop with that.

As a parent, there are also certain long-term plans you have to make in the best interest of your child.

First, you will want to consider guardianship which is crucial when your child is young as well as while they transition into adulthood at 18. In addition, though, you will want to name a guardian that can help your child in the case of your passing. If full guardianship isn’t what your adult child needs, having powers of attorney for them might be more appropriate which will allow you to make specific types of decisions for your child such as healthcare or financial decisions.

While it may be a little morbid, it is crucial to plan for your child in the case of your own passing. Choosing a guardian to help your child through this time is a good first step. You may also want to leave a letter of intent as a roadmap for this guardian as well as a will to provide for your child.