No one
likes to think about his or her parents getting old. We get used to seeing who
brought us to life and raised us as a strong figure, almost superhuman, who
will never grow old, fell sick or eventually need our help to the most simple
tasks. But, it is nature, and eventually, our parents will need us, as we
needed them as a child.
Dementia is
a tough collection of symptoms, which unfortunately come as a result of damage
to the brain. In elderly people, this tends to accompany Alzheimer’s disease, which was my mother’s case. It is not easy to see someone you love so
deeply, succumb to an illness. Especially one that can completely transform
your loved one into a stranger. It all started with small memory losses during
the day, some confusion while carrying out familiar tasks, such as buying
shampoo instead of soap. Then things began to evolve to severe situations,
including some wandering and forgetting where she was.
The Difficult Diagnose
Some of my
friends used to say their elderly parents were acting like little children. I
remember laughing about it, and thinking my mom would never be like that. But
turns out I was wrong, and this is something hard to predict. After some
problematic episodes, I had to drive her against her will to the doctor and
explain what was happening. She was in complete denial, which I could
understand with all my heart. Some exams and tests proved what I already knew,
my mom was diagnosed with early signs of Alzheimer.
Deciding to Become a Full-Time
Caregiver
Family and
friends suggested I should hire a caregiver or put her in elderly house care. I
studied all the options and my current situation, including finances. I checked
some elderly houses, but they were just too far from my home, so I couldn’t
visit so often as I’d like. Hiring a home caregiver would also be a little
beyond my financial situation, even with my mom’s retirement pension.
And, to be
honest, deep down, I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my mom into someone
else’s responsibility. Mainly because I had the means to take care of her by
myself. I had a work that allowed me to work from home, my children had enough
age to handle most of their things by themselves, and my house had enough space
to accommodate her needs (including a wheelchair). We also would be able to
save some money with housing and caregiving, since I could handle most of it by
myself.
But even
though I had the means and was deeply emotionally involved, it was brutal. My
mom had some tough time to get used to the new house, and we had to learn how
to cope with the painful Alzheimer. My mom has always had a kind personality,
by the disease sometimes would bring the worst of her. We have also made some
changes in the house, such as installing alert systems, fall detection mats and
having 24h emergency assistance care. I have also put both children on the
charge of several things around the house, so I could have time to dedicate my
time for her, my career, family and myself.
Not Everyone Can Become A
Full-Time Caregiver
This is a
challenging and thankless job. You might love your parents as much as you can,
but sometimes it is just too much for you to handle by yourself. Contrary to
belief, being your parent’s caregiver is not just about love. It is about
having time, emotional stability, income and general support.
During one
of my mom’s lucid moments, we have talked about her situation, the options and
what would be the best. We agreed on trying to move her in with me, although
she would sometimes forget about it later. But not everyone has the time and
means to be a full-time caregiver, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed if you can’t.
But if you decide to take care of your parents, as I did, don’t try to do it
all alone. While taking care of someone else is easy to get too deep into the
daily chores and forget about your own needs. Seek community support, engage
your family and siblings, and have a support network for yourself.
I hope my
personal experiences might shine some light into your thoughts, and believe me,
you are not alone in this journey.
